HBO: Bill Maher: New Rules:

The new season begins Friday, Feb. 18 at 11 pm | Full Schedule
October 29, 2004
All right. I've got to move on. It is time for New Rules, ladies and gentlemen!

All right. New Rule: If you were surprised that Ashlee Simpson was lip synching, you aren't allowed to vote. Not knowing that mechanically-generated tween-agers lip synch is like believing your stripper's real name is Cherry Bomb.

New Rule: This election day in Florida, to make up for Republican dirty tricks in 2000, black Floridians must go into white districts and hang around the polling places and scare white people away. Just like at the ATM, the far end of the subway and theaters showing kung fu movies. So say hello to your new Palm Beach County Election Commissioner, Willie Horton.

New Rule: You can't call it a treat if everyone hates it. We toppled Saddam Hussein. Why can't we get rid of candy corn? Anyone who hands this stuff out on Halloween hates your children and wants them to die. They just don't have the guts to stick a razorblade in an apple.

New Rule: Scientology makes you fat. Kirstie Alley, Lisa Marie Presley, John Travolta: fat, fat, fat! L. Ron Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch his old dog a bone. But it was gone because his followers scarfed it! Let's be honest. It's not a religion. It's just an excuse for a bake sale.

Speaking of food, New Rule: No McDonald's in hospitals. I'm not kidding! They are putting McDonald's in hospitals. Hello? You're doctors. You're not supposed to be in the repeat-business business. This is like if John Edwards covered the floor outside his trial law office with banana peels. Sorry, Fast Food Nation, but we already figured out a way to screw patients. They're called HMO's. more »